I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
