So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
