if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
