i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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