i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
