Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
