Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
