as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
