why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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