OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
