The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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