How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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