i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
we're so committed to being not committed
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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