I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
