I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
