Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
