just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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