wakey wakey hands off snakey
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
