I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
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