i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
