I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
