booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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