When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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