don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
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Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
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I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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