spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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