Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Randomize
