Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
