I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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