he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
