So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
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we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
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You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
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