I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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