The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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