i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
