There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
