i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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