I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
