everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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