I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
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