just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
