i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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