I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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