it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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