One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm passing your future prison.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
