So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
i think im in europe. pls send help
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