Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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