i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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