I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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