I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
