Please don't use social media to get back at me.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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