I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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