I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
