There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
