I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
