I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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