i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
