Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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