dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
