omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
