Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
