A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
